Tell me what to do when every action I take is subject to scrutiny,
When everywhere I turn, there’s fire and I cannot choose
How I can proceed.
I don’t know where else to go.
I need you and I trust in you, even when
I have doubt and even when I struggle to believe
Because I have no other choice, because one day this will all
Be over and I can look upon these circumstances with your ancient and omnipotent
But now, Lord,
My insides, my soul and my heart are burning,
And a parasite is eating me away much as
Job did when you taunted Satan back in the day.
I am not Job, and it is arrogance to think
That in some way I don’t deserve this,
That is some way I am an innocent of the world’s hell,
For we are all guilty of being sinners
And it was only when I turned to realized I was, too
That I turned to you in need.
Forgive me, a sinner.
I traverse the days ultimately unaware
If I could make it to the end without breaking down,
Succumbing to the weight of my neighbor’s sorrow, of the anvils on my shoulders.
Sometimes I withdraw, press on the brakes, and do not allow myself to feel
The chains that bind me to not being able to move on.
Because I still have a life to live, work to do,
Money to make to survive, and I know, O my soul,
That sometimes suppression and looking the other way
Are just what I do and we all do to survive.
I pray that in these moments alone and in solitude
I am able to break open the floodgates, let open the suppression,
And allow myself to suffer as Job, David, Peter, Paul, and your son did
I have read Paul’s text of Romans, and I cannot proceed
Knowing I have pushed it all away, knowing that I have not allowed myself the gift of being your
Beloved son, of being human.
Originally published at https://www.theodysseyonline.com on January 22, 2019.