SATIRE

Your “Run” Doesn’t Count Unless It’s on Strava

Your “running” is a complete disgrace unless it’s GPS-monitored

Photo from the author on Strava

I love how you talk about your running accomplishments. You may have run a fast mile. You may have run a fast half marathon. You may be a Boston-qualified marathoner. You might even be an “elite” runner.

But I’m not calling you a runner — to me, you’re a “runner.” Why? You don’t log your runs on Strava.

Your run does not count unless it’s on Strava, and only Strava-logged runs count as runs. How else is someone going to know if you’re honest or not? Who knows whether that “5k” is actually a 4.9k or a 4.8k? Unless it’s GPS logged, your run is absolutely bogus. You go from a “runner” to a runner the moment you use your GPS watch to log your runs on Strava.

Not only that, but what kind of Strava runner are you if you’re running 3.93 miles or 7.91 miles? Your GPS-logged runs on Strava only count if you’re running even miles. You have to hit 4 miles exactly or 8 miles, or your run was a waste. You might as well round down your mileage.

If I can’t see your mile splits, your route, and your heart rate throughout the run, your run does not count. Strava is the king and the god of exercise — if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Absolutely not. I don’t care if you ran next to me for 13 miles the whole time. If your run isn’t logged or documented, it didn’t happen. Sorry!

Also, for every run, bike, swim, or other fitness activity, you will be judged. Unless you’re having your best workout every single day, you’re not a real runner. Didn’t you know you’re only friends with people on fitness tracking apps like Strava to compete with other people?

It’s Strava or it didn’t happen, for running, biking, swimming, or walking. All your workouts only count if they’re on Strava. Enjoying your exercise? Motivation? Health? All those things come secondary to the rush and the joy of having all your runs logged on Strava. Eventually, if you log enough of your exercise on Strava and become the king of Strava, you can fly, walk on water, turn water into wine, and resurrect the dead.

I ran a marathon the other day, and I won the race. I’m really bummed though because my GPS watch died in the middle of the marathon. And since the race wasn’t logged on Strava, that marathon didn’t count.

Written by

Believer, Baltimore City special ed teacher, and 2:40 marathon runner. Diehard fan of “The Wire.” Email: ryanfan17@gmail.com. Support me: ko-fi.com/ryanfan

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